Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
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My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
👾👾👾
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears