I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
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Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Bootstraps
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad