So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
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Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later: