Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
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Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.