God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
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And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.