[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
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Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses: