I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
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We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
How I’d get arrested…
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.