Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
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He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.