me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
You Might Also Like
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.