6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
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The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa