It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
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Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Well well well…
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
And they lived apathetically ever after.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”