Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
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My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
If you鈥檙e planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don鈥檛.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it鈥檚 a sound investment.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work鈥ike girl. All this and half your mess can鈥檛 get a season 2??? Be fr
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 馃槨
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That鈥檚 my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I鈥檓 on pound number 2
It鈥檚 like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.