I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so