People who complain about parties must not like free food.
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I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.