serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
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Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
The options really are this bad
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb