WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
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Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis