My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
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I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
accurate
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Customer is always right
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
road rage
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.