I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
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{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc