There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
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MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.