i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
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Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I’m not proud
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in