her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
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I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.