The best shot in the history of golf
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doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Just me?
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.