gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
You Might Also Like
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house