Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
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I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Hotels are back
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.