did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
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I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.