interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
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Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
this has done me in for some reason
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.