U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
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[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
this FaceApp is creepy af
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did