I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
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Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat