Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
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There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total