Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
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All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
You saw nothing. I am ham.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay