I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
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When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.