What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
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I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
“you changed” bro i was 15
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.