Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
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Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.