Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
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I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home