This is no longer winter this is harassment
You Might Also Like
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Social distancing in Australia:
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.