My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
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My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I hope this email finds you in a well
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.