When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
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I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
excuse me
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
See..?
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