Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
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Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Lmao
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder