[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
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It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Well, this certainly took a turn
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet