FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
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Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No