I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
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I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Iâm always a stoneâs throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- thatâs not how Clue works
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Did I do this right
I never understand why people think saying âyou look tiredâ is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe Iâm just ugly, ok
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, thatâs good, right?
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. đđđ
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
*Removes âLoves to bakeâ from online dating profile
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5â2â. this is not the skirtâs fault
My love language is deader than Latin
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldnât run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.