My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
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Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.