*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
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[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.