As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
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I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.