do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
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Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.