Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
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If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
This week’s mood.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible