My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
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a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Just grow your own
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Quadruple digit IQ
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.