I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
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When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain