Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
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SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.