Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
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If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
barbara was highly relatable
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.